No new is Good News

well, i had finished up my sixth treatment out of fourteen. at this point i was supposed to have surgery to remove the tumor. we had everything set up for this wednesday, but i've been pretty sick the last couple of weeks. a lot of my symptoms prior to being diagnosed with cancer had come back, such as night sweats, spiking fevers, and sever pain in my shoulder. so the doctor checked me out, and it looks like the tumor has been growing again. so, things are kind of up in the air right now(a state that is becoming more and more normal for things). i'm going in tomorrow, probably to start chemo again, only this time under a different regiment. though my initial round of chemo was doing a good job of shrinking the tumor, the effect was obviously not a lasting one, so they are going to try something different. they are also concernced that it has spread, which, as i've understood it, has always been the worst thing that could happen. so i'm kind of scared. i've never really felt so much like dying might be in the possibilities of my near future. i don't think that's really the case, but it's hard not to consider from time to time. it's also pretty frustrating to think i i basically have to start my chemo over. but it is better than this shoulder pain, that is for sure.