wow sore!!

i am so incredibly sore today. my legs are still killing me, and my back between my shoulders is so tight, i've never been this sore in my entire life. i try stretching things out, but they just tighten back up. this cold whether isn't helping. i am on a lot of pain killers, but the don't do too much for the soreness. still no cancer symptoms though, so it's worth it.

i was in so much pain today that when i got down on the radiation table, i had to get up almost immediately. so they canceled todays treatment, and we'll see how it goes tomorrow. they say that if i just take some ibprofen, or something similar, that will help a lot more than the tons of oxycodone i am on. the oxycodone makes me fly, but it doesn't do much for sore limbs. can't wait to get done and get on with starting to feel like myself at least a little. anyway, just thought i'd write a quick update. another thing the oxycodone does is make me talkative/snappy. so you can credit the drugs for this post.

turkey time

well before you know it it's been over a week since i last posted. things are good though. i still feel a little better each day than i did that last, and that's really encouraging. i was able to work last week from monday to wednesday, a few hours a day. then came thanksgiving, and i was in good enough shape to drive down to utah for dinner at uncle darron and aunt amy's place. i am still feeling the effects of that trip; my leg and back are very sore the last few days. but it was worth it i think. i brought home the work computer, and was able to get a little bit of work done on friday and saturday while my family went to dinner with the nye's and the johnson's, respectively. i was sad to miss two more great dinners, but that's the price you pay when you have to be back for radiation. oh well.

after today, i only have 2 more radiation treatments. my eyesight is getting back to normal, and i was able to drive myself to and from work today. it felt great to be behind that stick shift again, even if i had a little trouble shifting sometimes with the sore arms/back.

the best news is, so far i have not experienced any of the signs or symptoms that i usually experience when my cancer is growing. no new, unexplainable pains, no loss of appetite(actually, i've been eating like crazy, and gaining weight). it's very encouraging. today, the doctor thought that my shoulder may have even gotten smaller. i know that it is at least not getting bigger, and is pretty normal sized to begin with. so things are really going great. we just need to keep a positive attitude, keep praying that a miracle has occurred, and get onto the road of recovery, getting these muscles working again. wish me luck :D

turning the corner pt. 2

well, once again it has been a little while since i posted last. things have not been too bad though. the last few days i have been pretty tired, but i felt better yesterday than i did the day before, and i feel better today than i did yesterday, so that is a good thing.

we got some pretty sobering news this week. i have more cancer growing on my skull, which is most likely what is causing my double vision. it is driving me nuts. i have an eye patch that i have been wearing, which drives me slightly less nuts. it's possible that the damage is permanent, but we are still hoping that my sight returns to normal. i am currently 3 days into a 2 week radiation treatment to get rid of these lesions. just one day of treatment worked great on the other one, so i am confident that this two week treatment will take care of the rest.

meanwhile, i had the second dose of chemo on monday. we are praying that it takes care of the cancer in the rest of my body. so far, it seems to be working pretty good. i just hope we can get the doctor to give it to me again after the holiday this weekend. i have an appointment for a week from wednesday, so we will see what he says.

i promised i would post about turning a spiritual corner. when i was first diagnosed, i perceived it as a challenge to face on my own. something to prove to God that i could withstand the chemo, the surgery, etc, and come out on the other side, screaming "i can do anything". i realize now that it is not about that. if i am going to be cured, it is going to be through God's graces, not anything that i do. when i break through the wall of cancer, and it is no longer growing in me, and i am on the road to recovery, my attitude will not be one of "i told you i could do it". rather, i will simply break down and cry tears of joy and gratitude, for i know that it is only because of God that i could be healed. i recognize his hand in every aspect of my life, now more than ever, and i am so grateful to know that he is watching out for me like that. what would i do without him?

turning the corner

so it's been a while since i updated. things are going good, but i've had a lot of negative things occur in the last two weeks. had a lot of cramping/general discomfort in my legs, to the point that i just couldn't find anything comfortable. that is mostly past me now. i had to have some tests done, namely a spinal tap. actually, two. the first one was pretty much painless. the second one, which occurred a day later, was the problem. they had trouble getting what they needed, and why they were poking around in my spine they managed to send a few shocks down my left leg. well, my leg didn't agree with that too much, so there was a recovery period from that. shortly afterward i had radiation on my right hip/leg area, so then i was down two legs, and thus the major discomfort. i now, however, have had all the radiation i'm going to have(God willing). it seems to have worked; my shoulder size is down to a record low.

i'm now having some chemo, a pretty light schedule. had a dose on monday, and again this coming monday, and then nothing for two weeks(which will be a real test). then i think a couple more mondays of the same thing, and then i think a pet scan to see what's going on. my pain has mostly subsided, though there is definitely going to need to be some rehabilitation on my shoulder. it is very weak, and i think there is probably some permanent damage there. for the last few days i have been off the pain meds during the day, but i continue to take some at night, just to make sure i get some decent sleep(was playing catch up on sleep for a while there).

besides the small amount of pain, i am having some other side effects. numbness on my right side, including my thumb and foot mostly, but sometimes it seeps into my tongue, leg, and other areas. the skin on my shoulder is also numb to the touch. we are not sure if it is related, but the other side effect is that i can't focus on anything that is to my right. my eyes just won't do it, and as a result, i see double over there. frankly, it drives me nuts. if it weren't for that side effect, i would probably have worked a few days this week. but it makes it impossible to drive, and doesn't really help staring at a computer screen either. when you couple that with a numb thumb and forefinger, i don't know that i would get much work done. maybe next week.

despite the side effects, both me and my dad really feel like i have turned a corner and am on the road to recovery. the main reason for that is the success in the shoulder. sometimes it seems too much to hope for, as other people fight cancer for years. but i really do feel good about where i'm at right now. i definitely need to gain some weight, and get out and about more so that i don't decompose, but i truly feel like things are on the upswing, permanently. i know that day is somewhere in the future, so why not now?

even if i have not turned a corner physically, i have definitely turned one spiritually. it's a pretty serious event, i feel. in order to do it justice, i'll post more on that in my next entry.

the bigger picture

Well, things are looking up, at least a little. The pain in my side and shoulder are non-existant, even when tolen ran his head into my rib tonight. The pain around my left collar bone has lightened up a lot. it is still somewhat noticable, like if i lay on it, but just a little. i did start getting some cramps in my legs and stuff, but that was for being unintelligent about my eating and drinking. eating is still down around one decent meal a day, with a little snacking here and there. it's really not going so hot. but after i started cramping, dad got me some more orange juice, so i have been doing good on the drinking part. tomorrow i will see the doctor and tell him to radiate my rib. i hope he just does it without asking too many questions. sometimes i feel like i just have to tell them the right thing so that they will give me the treatment that i know will be best for me. it's somewhat frustrating. i am trying these days to focus on the positive things i have to look forward too, so as not to dwell on the negative possibilities. assuming i believe in the priesthood, and priesthood blessings, there really aren't any long-term negative possibilities, so i'm wasting my time dreaming them up. and, when you think about it, if you go long term enough, and you truly believe the gospel, even if "bad" things happen soon in this life, there will still be no long term negative possibilities. that is the concept of the big picture, i guess. useful to keep in mind.

beggers can't be choosers

what a horrible day. my rib is giving me more pain today, even through the pain medication. we'll be talking to the doctor about it on monday, and hopefully treating it either monday or tuesday. the pain seems to be moving full circle around the back side of my ribcage, and it now hurts when i breath. i'm also really sore on my left collar bone/shoulder, and i'm not sure why. it could be from my port(hopefully not), or it could just be sore, from being slept on, unused, etc. i am also not really eating. at all really. i'm not sure what to do to correct that; i just don't feel hungry, and forcing myself to eat is making me feel like puking. i know it can't go on for long like this though.

meanwhile, my finances seem to be spinning out of control. my credit card situation is not working out how i had hoped, my car insurance company that i just switched to decided to jack my rate up $150 for the next six months, and my checks are just not getting any bigger, because i'm never able to work as much as i wish i could. i have been joking with my employer about getting me a laptop so i can work from home, and he actually seems to be considering it to some degree. i am not sure how fast they will move on something like that, but it would sure be nice. i would definitly get in more hours that way. i need to work more, because i am tired of asking my parents or kate for money to pay my bills, even though i've only done it a few times. i just don't like the feeling.

this pain in my side

i didn't realize it had been so long since i posted something. my radiation actually started last friday, the 13th. I went again on saturday, and now i'll go everyday this week, have saturday and sunday off, then go monday, tuesday, and wednesday. after that, i take a one week break till i see dr. mulvey in idaho falls to see how it went, and probably start some more chemotherapy. the radiation is pretty easy. i just lay on my stomach for about 15 minutes while they move me around and then do their radiation beam stuff. i've been pretty sore and stuff lately, in fact i could barely walk saturday night, my legs were cramping up so bad. they determined it was probably mostly due to dehydration and malnutrition. so i'm correcting that, and feeling better, thought i still wake up pretty sore. sleep is not the greatest, but i get it in throughout the day. i feel tired a lot, but that's not too far from normal. besides being tired, there are not really any other side effects from the radiation. they haven't done my lower rib yet, which they said they would do, but they said that would only take one day of treatment to take care of. so things are going pretty good. initially the radiation causes the shoulder to swell, but there are times when i can tell that it is killing the mass of tumor cells. i just pray that it keeps doing that.