the bigger picture

Well, things are looking up, at least a little. The pain in my side and shoulder are non-existant, even when tolen ran his head into my rib tonight. The pain around my left collar bone has lightened up a lot. it is still somewhat noticable, like if i lay on it, but just a little. i did start getting some cramps in my legs and stuff, but that was for being unintelligent about my eating and drinking. eating is still down around one decent meal a day, with a little snacking here and there. it's really not going so hot. but after i started cramping, dad got me some more orange juice, so i have been doing good on the drinking part. tomorrow i will see the doctor and tell him to radiate my rib. i hope he just does it without asking too many questions. sometimes i feel like i just have to tell them the right thing so that they will give me the treatment that i know will be best for me. it's somewhat frustrating. i am trying these days to focus on the positive things i have to look forward too, so as not to dwell on the negative possibilities. assuming i believe in the priesthood, and priesthood blessings, there really aren't any long-term negative possibilities, so i'm wasting my time dreaming them up. and, when you think about it, if you go long term enough, and you truly believe the gospel, even if "bad" things happen soon in this life, there will still be no long term negative possibilities. that is the concept of the big picture, i guess. useful to keep in mind.

beggers can't be choosers

what a horrible day. my rib is giving me more pain today, even through the pain medication. we'll be talking to the doctor about it on monday, and hopefully treating it either monday or tuesday. the pain seems to be moving full circle around the back side of my ribcage, and it now hurts when i breath. i'm also really sore on my left collar bone/shoulder, and i'm not sure why. it could be from my port(hopefully not), or it could just be sore, from being slept on, unused, etc. i am also not really eating. at all really. i'm not sure what to do to correct that; i just don't feel hungry, and forcing myself to eat is making me feel like puking. i know it can't go on for long like this though.

meanwhile, my finances seem to be spinning out of control. my credit card situation is not working out how i had hoped, my car insurance company that i just switched to decided to jack my rate up $150 for the next six months, and my checks are just not getting any bigger, because i'm never able to work as much as i wish i could. i have been joking with my employer about getting me a laptop so i can work from home, and he actually seems to be considering it to some degree. i am not sure how fast they will move on something like that, but it would sure be nice. i would definitly get in more hours that way. i need to work more, because i am tired of asking my parents or kate for money to pay my bills, even though i've only done it a few times. i just don't like the feeling.

this pain in my side

i didn't realize it had been so long since i posted something. my radiation actually started last friday, the 13th. I went again on saturday, and now i'll go everyday this week, have saturday and sunday off, then go monday, tuesday, and wednesday. after that, i take a one week break till i see dr. mulvey in idaho falls to see how it went, and probably start some more chemotherapy. the radiation is pretty easy. i just lay on my stomach for about 15 minutes while they move me around and then do their radiation beam stuff. i've been pretty sore and stuff lately, in fact i could barely walk saturday night, my legs were cramping up so bad. they determined it was probably mostly due to dehydration and malnutrition. so i'm correcting that, and feeling better, thought i still wake up pretty sore. sleep is not the greatest, but i get it in throughout the day. i feel tired a lot, but that's not too far from normal. besides being tired, there are not really any other side effects from the radiation. they haven't done my lower rib yet, which they said they would do, but they said that would only take one day of treatment to take care of. so things are going pretty good. initially the radiation causes the shoulder to swell, but there are times when i can tell that it is killing the mass of tumor cells. i just pray that it keeps doing that.

glow in the dark morgan

went to the doctor today. the decision is to have me do some radiation, which'll start monday. i'll be having it on my shoulder and my lowest rib on the left side. that area has been hurting me pretty bad, i was worried that cancer had spread there, and sure enough. while i have experienced all kinds of new aches and pains with this whole thing, i think the pain that my rib area has caused me today from about 5am on is the worst pain i have ever felt. it felt like someone had driven a metal spike between two ribs and left it there. while in bed, i couldn't move without causing extreme pain. it's now mostly under control, like the shoulder, with drugs. they also gave me some morphine today. that stuff makes me a little goofy. very talkative. anyway. not sure how i feel about this news because i am still very high!!

poison me pls

not sleeping so hot. it just feels like i hurt all over. my body is probably growing moss on it from not moving, and then having trouble breaking free of it cause i'm so weak. think i have the pain med rotation down. however, my tumor was pretty swollen this morning(though i think some of that was from laying on it), so i called the doc, and told them what was going on, and they moved my appointment up to tomorrow. well, i guess today.

it only hurts when i laugh

shoulder pain starting to come back. not as bad as before though. went to a byu game today, courtesy of one of my dad's old partners. it was great to actually do something real. wore me out though, all that walking and what not. shoulder is hurting, but not sure if it is growing. it might be a little, but it's hard to tell. at least it is not as bad as last time yet. hopefully that continues. night sweats are not coming back yet, either(thanks goodness!). still, it is getting harder to get a good nights sleep. usually i have to sleep in till 10 or so before i feel like i'm really rested. maybe working my pain meds can fix that up though. i've been using oxycodone 5mg, but i just found some 10mg that the oncologist in Salt Lake prescribed at the start of all this. that should do the trick.

finished for now

finished out another week of chemotherapy. really was quite an easy go until the last few days, started to have stomach cramps, and get somewhat tired, though not as bad as my previous chemo. after a few days of resting and basically doing nothing, i feel almost 100%. things still seem to be working. now is the waiting game, just have to continue to pray that nothing will grow back in the two weeks that i am off. probably won't be much new news until the 16th, when i go back to the doctor.